I am currently in Grand Rapids, land of Chili’s and crisp apples. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about today. I have been typing for over 20 years now and it amazes me how bad I still am at it. And by “bad” I mean that, while my typing is competent and probably quicker than most people’s, I make the lamest mistakes. Here are my top three typos:

3. teh (instead of the)
Even though I rigorously proofread all my emails, this one occasionally slinks past me in the same way that I could never pick out the extra, redundant “the” hidden in some word puzzle that used to drive me nuts in school but which I currently can’t find a link to online.

2. you (instead of your)
As in “Thanks for you consideration.” Why would anyone consider me?

1. “thanks you” (instead of “thank you”)
That this has happened even once is amazing. But a dozen? Shiver me damn timbers!

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
A couple in their early twenties just sat down at the four-top table in front of mine here at Biggby’s Coffee. But instead of sitting opposite each other so as not to invade my personal space or even sitting on the same side of the table with their backs toward me, they’ve elected to sit on the same side of the table looking straight at me. I hate them. [UPDATE: Ten minutes later, they have been joined by someone else, so I’ve got some privacy back. But it turns out that the couple is engaged and the guy who joined them is their wedding DJ. They are now discussing their wedding playlist earnestly. Topics covered? Must-plays such as Christian music and the Black Eyed Peas. Potential cake-cutting songs, like “Pour Some Sugar on Me” (which the bride says she’s never heard) and “Build Me Up Buttercup,” that annoying oldies song from the end credits of There’s Something About Mary. Games, including something called “the shoe game” and another one involving a race to determine who can unfurl a roll of toilet paper the fastest — at a wedding. Wow.]