I’m too busy today to offer up any original thoughts. So I turn for the umpteenth time to stories I wrote when I was in third grade. This is the last time I will do this, I promise.

Excerpts from MY THIRD BOOK OF ORIGINAL STORIES BY JOHN SELLERS (dated April 20, 1979)

“The Hawk and the Squirrel”

[image: your standard-issue horribly drawn forest scene with a bird hovering above a squirrel in a tree]

Once there was a hawk and a squirrel. The hawk swooped down and got the squirrel. The squirrel had a parachute on and he bit the hawk right in the leg. The hawk let go and the squirrel and the squirrel floated to safety. But the next day the hawk came back while the squirrel was asleep and the hawk ate the squirrel.

“My House”

[image: an ugly, shit-brown house that looks nothing like the house I grew up in]

This is my house. It is brown and it has three doors. It is pretty big and it doesn’t have any shutters. It has 1 staircase and a chimney. It has about 20 windows and it has 1 bathroom, 4 hot water faucets and 4 cold. I have 2 brothers, 4 cats and 2 parents.

And excerpts from MY FOURTH BOOK OF STORIES BY JOHN SELLERS (undated, 1979), the tour de force, if you ask me.

“The Lazer Monster”

[image: planes shooting red laser beams at a huge red sea beast who looks like a plucked turkey]

This is the lazer monster. He took on tanks, planes, people and bombs but he always smeared them. In this one, he almost lost but he didn’t. As you can see, he got nailed. His head got smashed in and some of his lazer shooters got fired off. But he finished off all of them. He killed all the people in the city of San Francisco. But only because he blew up the beach and it went right through the ground and it made an earthquake. And it knocked down all the buildings down and killed the people. [AJS note: Sorry, San Franciscans.]

“The War”

[image: On the left side, there is, I am told, an indian; he is shooting arrows acrross a chasm at two dudes dressed in what appears to be period cowboy garb. Another indian has been shot and is falling into the water-filled chasm — right into a shark’s mouth! The indian up on the ledge is saying “Owhh” because he is on fire.]

Once there was a huge war and there were cowboys and indians in it. One of the cowboys shot an indian right in the heart. He fell right into a shark’s mouth. Suddenly, another indian shot two cowboys right in the heart. The indians won over the cowboys for a change. But one of the indians’ pants caught on fire and he died.

“Return of the Dragon People and the Mars People!”

[image: three green dragons flying above and shooting at seven small figures on the ground, who defend a green castle]

Once there was a war with the Dragon People and the Mars People. The father [Dragon Person] shot 4 Mars People and the mother shot 2 and the baby shot one Mars Person. The Dragon People won by a mile. None of the Mars People shot the Dragon People but the Dragon People shot the Mars People like crazy.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, who had been one of my new heroes, came out of the closet yesterday morning in support of George “Fucking” Bush. Hero no more.