That’s right, it’s down to the nitty gritty. I know that many of you think that my emails should consist strictly of “liquor, women, drugs and killing, rock-n-roll, outlaw country and the occasional joke or two and to you, I apologize. Feel free to bury your head in the sand once more and delete this missive now because I am here to use my (very nominal) influence to tell our fans to please get out and vote for a change this Tuesday.

To my republican friends (and I hope you are still my friends if you’ve made it this far into my email) I have this rock-n-roll analogy for you:

Let’s say that the Republican Party is Van Halen and (for the sake of argument we will time travel quite a bit) Abraham Lincoln is the David Lee Roth of Republicans. An ass kicking, slave freeing, minimize-the-government-in-our-lives bad ass. The glory years. Then let’s say that Sammy Hagar is the Ronald Regan character, he totally lost the die-hard but for some reason Van Halen had never been more popular. Hit after hit. The Van Halen machine makes more money than anyone thought possible! Next, sadly, it’s time to enter that guy from Extreme, Gary Cherone. Here is our G.W. Bush. Even the most dyed-in-the-wool Van Halen fans have to admit, this was one bad idea, it didn’t work and, thankfully we only had to put up with one record from this version of the Republican Par…, uh, I mean… Van Halen. Gary made Van Halen so bad that Sammy Hagar returning actually seems to be a GOOD idea!

So there you go, even Republicans have to admit that G.W. has totally “Gary Cheroned” this Presidency, don’t you think? I thought this would help clear things up for you. Now get out there and buy one of those “Republicans For Kerry” stickers and help us make this change. Sure Kerry’s no Diamond Dave either, but who is anymore? It’s not like Van Halen’s gonna ask ME to sing for ’em…

Vote. Please.