The Detroit Tigers are chumps no more, so stick your pitiful taunts, jests, insults and zings where the sun don’t shine, i.e. your pants. They’ve just signed future Hall of Famer catcher Ivan Rodriguez to a four-year contract, instantly making a sadsack team that lost 119 games in 2003 a legitimate franchise once again—for the first time, sadly, since 1993. Will the 2004 Tigers win more games than they lose? Doubtful, unless Rodriguez (who I refuse to call by his nickname, “Pudge”) turns into Mecha Godzilla and lays waste to every opposing player in the American League. But things are looking promising enough at Comerica Park that I’m moved to do a jig of joy, which makes it impossible to type anything else. Except this: If Ivan Rodgriguez were a groundhog, he wouldn’t see his own shadow today, thereby signalling that winter’s almost over in Detroit.****Note: This now-irrelevant final sentence was added on 02/04/04, two days too late!****

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

I had the meatballs at IKEA yesterday.