Behold, my final interview as Hot Seat czar of Time Out New York. It’s been a good ten-month run, what with the questions about Paul Rudd’s penis shape and all. And who better to send me off than the actor (and expert blogger) Jorge Garcia.
Anyway. You’ll notice that my new space here at johnsellers.com is maybe not quite ready to roll. The sidebars are a tad threadbare. The “My Clips” section manages to be both over- and under-selective at the same time. And I have yet to figure out how to collapse the Perfect From Now On content at johnsellers.net into to the “My Book” section.
Still, it’s good to have a new home. And whenever I think about moving, The Pompatus of Love, co-written by Jon Cryer, comes to mind. The movie will always be the first I was paid to critique. When the review was published, in a 1996 issue of Time Out New York, the distributor seized on something I wrote to use as a pull quote for its promotional ads and posters the following week. Which explains how “In his screenwriting debut, Duckie delivers!” came to be slapped over Cryer’s face in New York City’s newspapers and subways.
Now I like to imagine that the distribution company conveniently chopped off the meat of the quote, and that I had instead written: “In his screenwriting debut, Duckie delivers an anchovy-laden turd pizza!” Alas.
But it makes me wonder what words movie marketers delete from the short quotes they use in their ads. Here are some blurbs culled from recent legitimate reviews for various films, followed by what I suspect has been snipped from the end of the quote.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
What it says: “The chemistry between Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett is nothing short of glorious.” (Karen Durbin, Elle)
What was cut: “…– although I have an extensive collection of Furbys, so what do I know?”
What it says: “Amazing. Raw and Riveting.” (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone)
What was cut: “…where ‘raw’ equals ‘slimy’ and ‘riveting’ means ‘cock punch-y.'”
What it says: “Say yes to Yes Man.” (Jim Ferguson, ABC-TV)
What was cut: “…Say no to me having gonorrhea — please?”
What it says: “Expect fireworks!” (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone)
What was cut: “…because nothing screams ‘Independence Day’ more than the idea of Meryl Streep in a snood!”
Marley & Me
What it says: “Irresistible to almost everyone but cats.” (Todd McCarthy, Daily Variety)
What was cut: “…and people with IQs over 120.”
What it says: “What movies ought to be.” (Richard Corliss, Time)
What was cut: “…Oh, wait — I was talking about the video of that goat who yells like a man.”
What it says: “Frost/Nixon could not be more enthralling.” (Claudia Puig, USA Today)
What was cut: “…unless it contained a scene in which Gary Coleman boxed Emmanuel Lewis.”
7 thoughts on “Snood”
upset about lack of comments, eh?
welcome to my world!
So did you actually write “anchovy-laden turd pizza”?
Did you want to?
I love comments, but I want to hide in the closet, under the knapsack but over the golf clubs, when it says zero.
I didn’t write “anchovy-laden turd pizza” in the actual review, but wish I had a few years later in my head once I realized I couldn’t remember anything about the movie. Seriously, it’s as if the experience never happened to me.
Now I feel like I have been legitimately accused of what I usually accuse other people of (mostly in my head, though). Okay, you win. I still love your blog. Probably, I am in the mood for a guilt trip. *sigh*
A copy editor once forgot to edit down the number of stars on my co-worker’s review of Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver, so now on the cover of every rental copy, it proudly announces, “Five Stars! – Randall King, Winnipeg Sun”
I’m always in the mood for a guilt trip. Sorry to bring you down to my level, Lena.
Jill — does that mean that this Randall King gave Air Bud 2 three stars?
Come now. A generous 1 1/2. I think you must have it confused with the superior sports-playing-animal sequel MVP: Most Vertical Primate.
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