Punch Me Harder

While I often pine for what some people might call my salad days — ah, sweet bird of youth! — I would never actually use that expression myself. The reason: I’m not a salad guy. To the supposed detriment to my health, I find a plateful of greens about as interesting as VH1’s Behind the Music: Backstreet Boys. And I’ve even spurned my friend Noodles’ famous Caprese salad.

So, when I tell you that I long for the return of my taco days, you should know what I’m talking about.

Despite the festering steroids scandal that has rendered many of baseball’s esteemed records virtually meaningless, the thirty big-league baseball owners unanimously voted to extend the contract of doddering, see-no-evil 73-year-old owner-turned-commissioner Bud Selig by three years, through the 2112 season. Simple questions: Why are the owners — who seem about as interested in cleaning up the sport as I am in watching Behind the Music: Backstreet Boys or eating salad — solely responsible for selecting a commissioner? Why are they extending the contract of a guy who is already 73? Why is he getting paid $14.5 million dollars a year to mess up the sport? And how come Selig hasn’t voluntarily stepped down under overwhelming evidence of his complete incompetence? Answer to all: These people are assholes.