Flipping through the November issue of a local alt-monthly last night, I came across a full-page ad that on first glance seemed like it had to be a spoof. It was for an over-the-counter product called IdentiGene, which is apparently used primarily as a paternity test. The ad copy is as brilliant as it is depressing: “The truth. That’s what you need. Not being 100% certain about a child’s true father can put your entire life on hold. And now, the IDENTIGENE DNA Paternity Testing Laboratory gives you hard scientific facts that will answer your questions – once and for all.” Here’s the photo that runs with the ad:
Of course this product is real. Why wouldn’t it be? What I love most about this ad is that even though the product is clearly aimed at those brainy baby-mamas who’ve gotten themselves into the kind of trouble that causes uncertainty of this sort, the photo features an upper-middle-class white guy and his blond-haired daughter, both smiling, smiling, just happy to finally know the goddamn truth. As if after five or so years of innuendo and accusation, this father can now revel in his baby girl — the one birthed by a mother who didn’t know for certain if the child was even his. What I can’t figure out is why Maury Povich isn’t the IdentiGene spokesman.
WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
I gained eight pounds in four days.