Well, Michael Vale, the Dunkin’ Donuts guy, died this week. He was old as hell, so I’m not going to say it’s a shame, but I do think his passing necessitates an AJS eulogy. As I am the world’s biggest procrastinator, the phrase “Time to make the donuts,” made popular in commercials starring portly sadsack Vale, has been my rallying cry for as long as I can remember. There’s a proper way to enunciate the phrase, of course, and it involves four ingredients: one part world-weariness, one part anger, one part pitiable sadness and one part Martha. It’s driven by a horrible realization that you absolutely have to do the work you really don’t want to do, e.g. waking up at 5am to make more goddamn donuts. But after saying the phrase a few times, you are resigned to getting the job done, and may even be in “the zone,” that state of being we all need to be in to get any serious work done. “Time to make the donuts” is quite nearly the opposite of the mantra of those annoying Disney dwarves. I will never whistle while I work, even though I can whistle like a mofo.

It’s almost the year 2006 and I still haven’t been branded with a bar code that will allow the antichrist to keep tabs on me. No fair!