I am decidedly anti-costume this Halloween. Which means you will not see me dressed up as a clown today. Or a kitten. Or an iPod Shuffle. If you had to describe my costume, it would be Groggy Unadorned Semi-Hipster Flipping Off Costume-Wearers, Especially That Patron at Gorilla Coffee Who Was Wearing a Silly Balloon Hat. But while I will not dress up today, I will gladly accept your candy. In fact, give me some candy. I’m not wearing an eye patch or a faux peg leg, and yet I say to you: Shiver me timbers, give me some candy, arrrrrrr!

Christmas decorations. What the fuck, people? It’s still October.