News alert from my friend DJ Philly Phil: David Lee Roth is a NYC paramedic. Okay, so the news a bit old, but still, it’s inspiring. Big Bad Bill is sweet William now — eh, Mr. Roth? Or is this being done for some reality show?

Story problem for any alchemists out there. The Gorilla Coffee directive is .6 pounds of grounds for every gallon of water. Since there are 16 oz. in a pound, we’re talking 9.6 oz. for every gallon of water. Since there are eight pints in a gallon, we’re talking 1.2 oz. of coffee for every pint glass of water. My question is: How many tablespoons am I supposed to combine with that pint glass of water to ensure a cup of hot fantastic? (FYI: My calculations tell me 2.4 tablespoons per pint of water.) Anyone who tells me the correct answer will win a prize. And by prize, I mean nothing.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

The coffee I just made was seriously shitty. Like, really bad. It was coffee most foul. Blecch.