Dateline: Las Vegas. Another day, another flight, another reason to stick my head in a tub full of water and fall asleep. I’m also having trouble posting, which is one reason for today’s insanely late missive. Another reason is that I just consumed a tasty reuben while sitting on my hotel-room bed and watching the end of Jurassic Park. Before the feed, I weighed myself on the scale that I found in my impressively appointed room (glass shower, mofos — glass shower!), and I came in at 169.2. Let me pause right now and take a post-feed gander at the numbers. [Here, imagine my screen saver image appearing on your computer. My screen saver image is a text message floating on a black background that says “HONKY LIPS.”] Okay, I’m back. The reuben added only 0.6 pounds to my bony frame. It felt more like a pounder. More experimentation is needed.
WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
The Hall of Fame voting was announced today and yet again, the results are mystifying. Neither Alan Trammell nor Jack Morris got elected, of course, but I suppose I can come to terms with that. They’re definitely not shoo-ins. But I can’t figure out how 14 of the 500-odd baseball writers who held the keys to the Hall this year didn’t think Wade Boggs deserved their vote. The man had 3,010 hits, had more than 200 base hits in seven straight seasons, and hit .352 in the 1980s. Plus, he appeared on an episode of Cheers, where the gang didn’t believe he was the real Wade Boggs and tried to “pants” him. Boggs got elected, of course, but he should have been a unanimous selection. But this brings up another thorny issue. Can you believe that no player has ever been a unanimous pick — not Nolan Ryan, not Mike Schmidt, not Tom Seaver, not Hank Aaron, not Willie Mays, and not even Ted Williams? This proves my theory that at least a few baseball writers are total assholes. Anyway, these 14 idiotic, Boggs-denying voters don’t bother me half as much as the dickhead who (pardon my shout) VOTED FOR TERRY STEINBACH. The man hit for neither power (162 HRs) nor average (.271), and was a solid but by no means exceptional catcher. Furthermore, 98 percent of the people who watch baseball don’t even remember who Steinbach is. Which leads me to my point: Whoever voted for Terry Steinbach should have his voting privileges revoked and his nutsack kicked very, very potently.