I saw three ads in the NY Times Arts + Leisure section yesterday that made me scratch my big, fat pumpkin of a head. 1) The ad for Billy Crystal’s 700 Sundays quotes an exuberant review: “This is not a one-man show — it’s a one-man phenomenon!” I’m confused. Shouldn’t this have read: “This is not a one-man show — it’s like a kick to your nutsack”? 2) An ad for Chicago states, in apparent seriousness, “Now starring the one, the only … Mr. Tom Wopat.” Huh? 3) There is an ad for the film Spanglish that quotes reviewer Paul Fischer of Dark Horizons as saying that Adam Sandler “gives the performance of his career.” I find it hard to believe that Sandler could ever top his performance in Billy Madison, where he so memorably said, “Want to touch the heine!” And like his Spanglish role even comes close to Canteen Boy! Truth in advertising, people.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

The Tigers aren’t signing any free agents.