Someone’s a little jealous here, it seems. Synopsis: Nikki Finke — who I don’t know but who I suspect gets a fifth of the cash and a tenth of the readers that Joel Stein, who I do know, will be getting when he starts his column at the L.A. Times in a few months — tries to rip Stein his fourth asshole. But somehow I think he’ll be okay. As for her charges that Stein has failed upwards, I hardly see how that could apply, at least in terms of his publishing career: I mean, he’s worked at no less than Time magazine for seven years (though some people might put worked in quotes there). And when Entertainment Weekly dropped his column, it was to add that column by Stephen King, and that actually made Stein look pretty good. Because King’s column is the equivalent of a homeless guy taking repeated dumps in a local park. But I will say this: Joel, if the show you write for Fox has anything to do with your infatuation with Suzanne Somers, I will rip you a fifth asshole. So watch it.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

I went to three video stores last night to find Chungking Express on DVD, and none of them had it, even though it’s readily available and is one of the best movies of the past decade. Blockbuster, of course, didn’t carry the movie at all — although the store did have 23 copies of White Chicks. I was forced to make do with the VHS version, endorsed by Quentin Tarantino, carried by the other two stores (one of which put it in the martial arts section!). Which meant I had to suffer mightily as QT’s geeky, Lady Elaine Fairchilde-like rictus bellowed on about how superfuckingawesome the movie is.

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