I really wish I could update this damn thing every day. What’s wrong with me? Oh, right: I’m a lame-o. A big fat stinking lard-ass of a lame-o. Actually, I’m not fat at all (not that there’d be anything wrong with that!). In fact, I’ve lost ten pounds in the past six weeks. How did I do it? A fancy new diet called Sturm und Drang. It’s a fad that’s sweeping Sixth Avenue in Brooklyn. It’s easy! Just get really stressed out about life issues and don’t stuff anything into your unusually greedy piehole. And it’s fun! It involves bending over and moaning a lot — better than ab crunches! The best thing about it is that now I can accurately be described as sinewy.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

Guilt. Along with a plea to send $10 to help buy a swamp that the night heron can call home, the Nature Conservancy sent me a batch of printed address labels. I used one of these labels on the envelope I mailed off to Sprint, but didn’t send the NC the slightest donation. Now I imagine that a flock of night herons is going to peck my doorbell at 3am, forceably gain access to Apartment AJS, and use their deceptively powerful wings to — as my dad used to say — bap me upside the head. Fuck!

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