I couldn’t get the Cracker Jack jingle out of my head all weekend, probably because I saw that the asinine New York Yankees brass actually acknowledged the importance of baseball tradition by undoing their lamebrained deal to switch from big dawg Cracker Jack–mentioned in “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”(!!!)–to imitator Crunch n’ Munch. Anyway, here are the lyrics, as I remember them: “Cracker Jack comes/with a secret toy surprise in the pack/peanuts and popcorn/that make your lips smack/it’s caramel coated Cracker Jack!” That first line is probably wrong, but that’s because I drink a lot. Cracker Jack lyrics are the first thing to go.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

I spent over an hour looking for my wallet today. Found it in a pile of dirty laundry.

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