I’m starting to get the feeling that Arrested Development isn’t going to make it to season two, despite Fox’s low-impact efforts to resuscitate its withering corpse. It consistently ranks in the bottom tier of the bottom tier of shows that air on the big four networks, and even ranks lower than a handful of programs on basic cable. Basic cable! If Fox does indeed cancel the show, however, the network would live to regret that decision. Why? Because they would then incur the full wrath of yours truly, the patron saint of premature cancellation. Remember when B.J. and the Bear got the boot in 1981? I mind-mailed a papier-mache chimpanzee paw smeared in fake blood to NBC. When they cancelled Automan in 1984, those jackasses at ABC were the recipients of bad vibes—the kind that would have triggered a tremor along the appropriate part of the San Andreas Fault had I any perceptible power to do that. CBS got off easy when it axed Meego, the 1997 Bronson Pinchot/Jonathan Lipnicki team-up; that show fucking hurt my retinas. But it got a virtual rotten egg hurled at its sizable hindquarters in 1982 when it discarded Mr. Merlin like loose stool. So, Fox, you have to ask yourself: Do want a war you can’t possibly win? Then go ahead and cancel Arrested Development. Robert Conrad and I dare ya. We double dare ya.
WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
J.J. Jackson, the coolest of MTV’s five original VJs, died on Friday—but I just found out on, of all places, the TV Guide website. That should have been front fucking page news in The New York Times. C’mon!