This is pretty much my favorite product now. Not that I’ll ever use it. Squirrels are evil — why willfully contribute to their well-being? Yes, I said it. Squirrels. Are. Evil.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
I watched Who Wants to Be a Millionaire this afternoon and, man, it never ceases to amaze me what jackasses most of these contestants are. Specifically, I have three pet peeves that nearly every damn fool who makes it on the show seems to violate. Here’s how not to piss me off:

1. Never refer to the contestant’s chair as “the hot seat.” Meredith Viera can use that expression, but you need to just call it a chair, or nothing at all.

2. Never wave to the audience as a means of thanking them for successfully guiding you toward the correct answer when employing the “ask the audience” lifeline. Even more important: Don’t wave multiple times in various directions in a pathetic attempt to acknowledge the entire crowd. And don’t do that thing where you just raise your hand and mouth “thanks! thanks!” either. Fuckers in the audience are there to serve you; no gratitude is required.

3. When using “phone-a-friend,” don’t call your wife or your husband unless your spouse is an expert in the field indicated by the question. You married a total loser and you know it. No need to prove it on national television.

Take a look at the video below. I mean, where the hell do they find these people? Gah!