Back in the day–which means “twenty-two years ago, when I couldn’t drive, hadn’t ever consumed an alcoholic beverage and believed in the healing power of Falco”–I was a nerd for comic books. Well, Marvel Comics. I didn’t have a lot of money to spend every week, so I combatted the lack of funds by focusing only on the universe populated by my man Spider-Man. Incredulous friend-geeks would ask, “You don’t read The New Teen Titans?” And I’ve felt inferior to more well-rounded comic dorks ever since. Like my pal Rob Kemp, who behind all of our backs has been working on Komik Kounterparts, a blog that diligently compares Marvel characters to those in the DC universe–sort of like trying to find the Roman equivalents of various Greek gods.

A list in honor of the excellent discovery. Top Seven Comic Characters I Liked When I Was 15 (Circa 1985):

1. Spider-Man: the grand poobah for every shy, misunderstood jokester.
2. Iron Man: and yet I have still not seen the movie.
3. Daredevil: no, not the Ben Affeck version.
4. Moon Knight: I was really into ninjas, and he’s close enough.
5. Nightcrawler: I used to only be able to move from room to room in my house if I said “BAMPF!”, the sound Nightcrawler makes when he teleports.
6. Thor: his magic hammer is named Mjolnir.
7. The Vision: dude was married to the Scarlet Witch!

And now, some Archers of Loaf to kick your ass on this inaugural and possibly final installment of Two for Tuesday. The first is “What Did You Expect?”, the best song ever to use the word goiter:

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
I got up at 6:30am to ensure that I wouldn’t miss my 9am Jeopardy! audition. Well ahead of schedule, I bounded off the subway all the way up in midtown around 8:30 and glided into the hotel where the auditions were being held. It was there that I was told by a startled desk clerk that the auditions weren’t being held until next Tuesday. Sure enough, the date May 27 appears in bold font on the information sheet that the Jeopardy! coordinator had sent me, and which I held in my very hand the entire 40-minute subway ride to midtown.