It’s been hard for me to post this week because I’m preparing for thirteen straight days on the road starting next Tuesday, at least three of which will be spent pretending I’m an outdoorsman. To tie up some loose ends, the bathroom ants are gone, I spoke to both James Frey and Uwe Boll today, I took a nice 1.5 hour nap in the late afternoon, and the Detroit Tigers are totally dominant now. None of those things have anything to do with each other, of course. Unless they do. In which case I would merely scratch my head and go “hmmmmm.”

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
There is a horse named Colonel John in the Kentucky Derby (which takes place tomorrow). There is also an obscure Mark Twain novel entitled The Adventures of Colonel Sellers. Which brings me to my point: why is “colonel” pronounced “kernel”? This is a rhetorical question; I’ve read the Wikipedia explanation. Either way, it makes no goddamn sense.