There’s no way I could let this bit of news pass without comment: The Detroit Tigers have the best record in baseball. Not only that, it’s not a fluke, as their many naysayers are suggesting. They have the most home runs in the AL (only Milwaukee has more). They lead the majors in the four most important pitching stats categories (seven shutouts; 3.13 ERA; fewest home runs allowed: 29; saves: 18). They are both decimating their opponents (recall their 33-1 shellacking of the Twins in a three-game series a few weeks ago) and winning the close ones (they are 7-4 in one-run games and 19-7 in games decided by three runs or less). Overall, the Tigers have won 8 of their 14 series, lost only 3 and split 3 — and six of those were sweeps. Long story short, the Detroit boys are getting it done, and done often, and they’re no longer push-overs, so fuck off. Series to watch: versus the hated Yankees May 29-31, the last of which is actually being shown on national TV. I don’t think the Tigers have been on national TV since 1987.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
I forgot to post about dental hygienists, and more specifically their need to ask questions when you are in full gape in the chair. Man, what a power trip. Here’s how my last cleaning went down:

Her: Okay, open up. Ooh, nice teeth! But, oh. Do you floss regularly?
Me: Muh-uh.
Her: You really should, you know. I know it’s a hassle. You don’t like getting blood on your mirror, do you?
Me: Wuh?
Her: Blood on the mirror. Some people don’t like to get blood on their mirrors. Well, you can just wash that off, silly! Do you use an electric toothbrush?
Me: Gah! Nah!
Her: You should, your gums are receding at an alarming degree and it’s because you brush too hard. Don’t know your own strength, do you?
Me: Hahgh…
Her: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: Mmm. Whituh.
Her: What?
Me: Achk. Whituh!
Her: Oh, a writer? What do you write?
Me: Isnat.
Her: Huh?
Me: Is uhn at.
Her: This and that? Well, that’s interesting. Okay, rinse. We’re through.
Me: Phtooey.

It takes me six full months to recover from these ordeals, and then I have to submit to hygienist rape again. Most hateful.

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