Just signed my book contract. Here, I imagine, are its two most important clauses:

3a. Theme Park Rights: 100% to Author; 0% to Publisher.

AJS note: Who’s getting screwed now, S&S mofos? How could you just give away the rights to the Gold Soundz water flume at Cedar Point? Gold Soundz = gold mine (at theme parks, that is). Have fun explaining this gaffe to Viacom honchos.

Not Injurious

41. (b) Nothing contained in the Literary Work shall be injurious to the health of the user.

No comments, please, about how Gold Soundz will be proven to cause gonorrhea. But I love how they deem this project so important as to capitalize the term “Literary Work.” Move over, Thomas Hardy. Get out of my way, John Dos Passos. Memo to Dr. Phil: You’re yesterday’s news, hoss. Huh?

Also, I apparently retain the rights for Syria, Jordan and Iraq, which is nice. I wonder how Gold Soundz translates into Arabic. “The Musical Notez Which Are Also Very Shiny Objects”?

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

I haven’t gotten paid for something I wrote a year ago. And this is for an article that nets me the amount that this particular magazine — which it should be noted is a major publication — pays for a thumb tack. Insanely annoying.