I regret the unavoidable absence. I missed you faceless, nameless sons o’ bitches out there in the ether. As previously stated, I was in Dayton, Ohio, where I did all of the following with intoxicated glee: 1) Watched as the Red Sox decimated, humiliated and out-and-out bitch-slapped the hated Yankees in Game 7 of the AL Championship Series; 2) saw not one but two Guided By Voices shows; 3) hung out with some local heroes; 4) possibly succeeded in convincing a fence-sitter either to vote for Kerry or not vote at all; 5) pissed off another Dayton resident and Bush supporter when I told him that Bush was a “mush-mouthed moron”; 6) ate food from Taco Bell, Wendy’s, Burger King, White Castle, Domino’s and Arby’s; and 7) became greatly enamored of the Humunga-Tongue. It was a memorable trip, and for far more reasons than just those.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

If I don’t make it back to Dayton again, I will never again partake of the best pizza I’ve had in a long, long time: Marion’s Piazza. Meanwhile, I can’t believe how much I consumed in Ohio. I think I gained ten pounds in four days.