This is going to be a very busy week for me, and as such I will likely only post today, or I will post very quickly on as many days as I can. The reason: I have a secret mission to Dayton, Ohio. On Wednesday, I depart on the mission, the details of which are given out on a need-to-know basis, and at this juncture you do not need to know. But suffice to say that it is among the coolest things that could ever happen to a human named Angry John Sellers. And it’s happening in Dayton, Ohio, the mid-sized city of kings.
I think the easiest way to post stuff this week is to just transcribe a bunch of my silly-ass childhood stories. I apologize if you are sick of these. But who’s running this show anyway?
Here are four stories from the lost classic “My 2nd Book of Stories by John Sellers” (dated April 18, 1979):
THE RACE HORSE
[image: a brown horse, with a fat orange guy on top of him]
This is a horse that runs very fast and guess who he is? He is Seattle Slew. He’s the fastest horse in the whole world! He’s won against River Runner and a couple more. He is brown and runs probably about 60 miles an hour at least.
[image: lots of red lasers and explosions — pretty abstract, actually]
The U.S. Navy heard reports about planes being shot down by mysterious lasers and bullets. The lasers shot down about 500 planes. So they wanted immediate action. They got into their planes and fought. They fought and fought but the laser beams and bullets won.
THE CONDOR AND RABBIT AND RACCOON
[image: Two condors, talons out, flying in the air above a rabbit and raccoon, who are rubbing noses]
Once two condors were flying in the air. They saw a raccoon and a rabbit. So they swooped down and they heard them talking and decided to kill them because the raccoon was going to kill them. Then the next day the condors were prepared but not enough. The raccoon snuck up behind the condors and killed one but the other one got away and he was mad. But the raccoon knew that he would be mad and went back to the rabbit and said: “Let’s get out of here because the condor is mad. I killed the other one!” So they went to California and got on The Price Is Right. But the condor was watching them on TV so he packed up and got on that show. But the condor was a robber that escaped from jail. The police man arrested him.
[image: A goofy-looking guy in an orange shirt and red flood pants stands above a hole in the ground that is covered with grass. In the hole, there is a small cat.]
Once there was a trap. It was set by a trapper. He was trying to catch a wildcat, but instead he caught his own cat. So he got the cat out and the cat scratched him and he let the cat go. It ran into the house and ate and ate and ate. Then it went back outside and jumped into [the trapper’s] arms.
WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
The Red Sox have given me — gulp — hope that they can beat the Yankees. I’m such a sucker.