Q: Hey, AJS, what do you think is the worst thing on television these days? A: Well, I’m very glad you asked, because I was just about to blog the shit out of that. The trendy answer would be something in the reality realm—possibly even that great heaping hunk of hooey known as The Bachelor, in which a genuinely unappealing male validates the existence of desperate women (all of whom he’s spent quality hot tub time with) by giving his favorite harem-harlots a single, red rose—but it wouldn’t be true. Just flipping through the trusty TV magazine, which I keep strapped to my hip like an Iraqi’s Uzi, I see far worse offenders than even the most head-thuddingly dull reality program. For instance, did you know that Friends is still on the air? Well, I didn’t, and that can’t be a good thing. Another easy way to go would be Becker. Becker is the Arli$$ of the 21st century. (Feel free to use that one!) But again, it would be untrue. That’s because the worst show on television today is—ta-da!—Manimal. If you’ve never seen it, it stars Simon McCorkindale as a dude with the ability to morph into whichever animal he chooses, or rather, whichever animal NBC can feasibly rent. I sincerely doubt he could morph into a giant squid, for instance. The essence of the program is that he’s part man, part animal, and all manimal. The show gets such low marks because it panders to the sort of person who thinks that watching a man turn into a panther is actually interesting. But that sort of thing is not interesting in the least. Couldn’t he thwart crime by morphing into a damn civet and unleashing SARS on evildoers? Because that would be of great interest. Anyway, I just can’t believe Manimal has been on the air since 1983.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

As I was putting a glass of water to my lips as if to drink, I somehow missed and instead spilled the delicious beverage on what must be described as the crotch of my jeans.