Thanks to a horrible, recent experience, I’ve finally zeroed in on what is inarguably the worst song of all time. Worthy candidates in the past have included, but were not limited to:

Don McLean, “American Pie”

The Steve Miller Band, “The Joker”

Air Supply, “Sweet Dreams”

The Allman Brothers, “Jessica”

Poison, “Unskinny Bop”

Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” as covered by Ugly Kid Joe

As shit-colored as these songs surely are—and many more offenders are simply slipping my mind—there is simply no excuse for (drumroll, please) Aerosmith’s “Rag Doll.” Improbably, I suffered through a rock block of the world’s worst band at a bar last night—a bar that curiously also features the world’s greatest band, Pavement, in its jukebox. The shits just kept on coming: “Love in an Elevator,” “Livin’ on the Edge,” “Dude (Looks Like a Lady).” Until: “Rag Doll.” I hadn’t heard or thought about this turd in at least a decade and I regret that. Why? Well, the old saying “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” seems to apply here; being able to whip out “Rag Doll” at any given moment could come in quite handy in situations where you really want to piss someone off, especially that embarrassing last bit of the song where Mr. Big Lips goes into some sort of Ella Fitzgerald–inspired scat routine. So watch out—I’m packing heat.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

The deli twerp was stingy with the sauce on my chicken parmagiana hero!