Memo to all Joint Chiefs of Staff:

Operation Shutdown—now named Operation Enduring Shutdown—is still in full effect. Confidence is high. Repeat: Confidence IS high. The difficult weekend has been replaced by a Monday full of vigor, which may be because I’m enjoying a banana-nut muffin and coffee as I type. I will admit that our objectives clouded a bit on Saturday, but I chalk that up to low morale and idleness, not to long-term weakness. (I also admit that at a cocktail party to which I trudged almost against my will, I succumbed to the delicious flavor of Havarti cheese. But only one wedge. Only one wedge.) To aid me in my campaign to thwart the enemy, I have enlisted one George Orwell, author of “Down and Out in Paris and London,” who writes:

“And there is another feeling that is a great consolation. It is a feeling of relief, almost of pleasure, at knowing yourself at last genuinely down and out. You have talked so often of going to the dogs—and well, here are the dogs, and you have reached them, and you can stand it. It takes off a lot of anxiety.”

He is talking about poverty, of course, but we are currently lacking funds in certain emotional coffers. I have handed out this information to the troops. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully it emanates from an In-n-Out Burger. That shit’s awesome.

Respectfully,

Colonel Sellers

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

Because I am not angry.

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