I woke up with the goodge. For those of you who do not know what “the goodge” is, it might be described—though certainly not in the manner of its original feminine-hygiene-ad coinage—as “that not-so-fresh feeling.” Basically, I’ve felt all day as if I was going to vomit into my mouth. This one’s definitely not drinking-related. As far as I can tell, it’s not food-related. And it’s not because I was nervous about my Jeopardy! audition (I bombed—BIG TIME!!!). Actually, I believe I’ve pinpointed the problem: Last night, a very important person—and you know who you are—gave me some news that I’m finding hard to deal with.

But I’ve got the antidote: Operation Shutdown. Operation Mother Fucking Shutdown. What is OMFS, you may ask? Well, it’s the immediate cessation of all extraneous nonsense, i.e. no phones, no lights, no motorcars. Okay, maybe a little bit of all three of those. But how about my new plan to give up anything involving Havarti cheese? Hmm? What about my very fierce refusal to say the word “shitpants”—ever again? Can you deal with no more novelty songs by Outkast, no more mugging for the camera, no more hoarding of pennies to redeem them at a later date for three crisp dollar bills, no more stinking thinking about my ability to rock hard-style, no more going up to a total stranger and feeling nervous about asking him for the time because I don’t want him to think that I’m gay (not that there’d be anything wrong with that), no more Angry John Sellers: Man of Insane Amounts of Leisure, no more Bartelby-esque “I’d prefer not to,” no more wanting to curl up in a ball in or around my closet and moan softly about the futility of it all, no more Havarti cheese? Can you even comprehend how liberating Operation Shutdown is?

Excuse me. Must have been the goodge talking. Upon further reflection, I doubt Operation Shutdown will even survive the night. I might just have to go into Operation Shutdown of Operation Shutdown. How about that for a mindfuck? It’s going to be an eventful weekend.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

I didn’t enjoy my coffee this morning.

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