I happened to catch (okay, I giddily TiVo’ed) Friday’s premiere of Playing It Straight, that Fox reality series where a woman has to decide which of her prospective mates are gay or hetero in order to win some cash. The show isn’t very good because it’s too difficult to figure out who’s what, and because the girl isn’t that hot, and because it sucker-punched us with the dudes’ silly “Closet Confessionals.” But it got me thinking. I’m going to pitch a show to the networks based on my own experiences; it will be called Jew or Not a Jew. (Based, obviously, on the classic SNL game show parody starring Tom Hanks.) The premise: A nice, traditional Jewish girl will have to select her soul mate from a pool of goons who may or may not be Jewish. I’d probably fool her. I’m not Jewish, but I have a long history of being told that I am. In college, a drunk frat dude called me a “hebe” (I got the last laugh, though, because, later, I saw him doing the white man’s overbite to Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock’s “It Takes Two.”) In the mid-’90s, a crazy guy on the subway called me a “dirty Jew,” and it inexplicably hurt my feelings. Some of my Jewish acquaintances have pointed out that, because I’m cheap, complain a lot and have an afro, that I’m a member of their tribe whether I like it or not. And just two weeks ago in Crown Heights, in separate incidents, two Hassidic guys approached me and asked if I’d like to pray with them. So am I really part Jewish, or do all of these people just have bad goy-dar? Tune in to the next Jew or Not a Jew to find out.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY

The UPS guy came by while I was out, which means I won’t get my new Adidas kickers until tomorrow!

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