A short list of things I don’t understand:

1. The appeal of eggplant
2. The appeal of patchouli
3. The appeal of small, yapping dogs
4. The appeal of sandals for men, aka mandals
5. The appeal of the Upper West Side
6. The appeal of picnics
7. The appeal of farmer’s markets

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
The Smiths still haven’t gotten back together.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
What could have been?

I was interviewed for this awesome story on today’s Times gadget blog about Michael Jackson’s video game collection, which had been up for auction until he pulled out recently. Check it out, homes — or should I say “homeses” (assuming that more than one “homes” is reading this).

As I awesomely predicted way back in January, Michigan State has made it to the national championship game, which will be played tomorrow night at 9pm. To get here, they had to oust two number-one seeds from the predictably overrated Big East, Louisville and Connecticut, neither of which had the stamina or smarts to hang with State. North Carolina will be much different; they are this tournament’s equivalent of an obese drunk at an all-you-can-eat chili festival.

Win or lose, tomorrow will be a banner day for this sports-loving goon, who grew up on the west side of Michigan during the Magic Johnson era and attended MSU freshman year and who anticipates baseball’s opening day — also tomorrow! — as if it were a phone call from the producers of Jeopardy! informing me that I’ve made it on the show. (Sadly, that hasn’t happened yet, because I am dumb.) I’m not sure I could have scripted it better: MSU on the big screen at the bar battling for the national championship, the Detroit Tigers on another screen playing their first game of the year. I’d gladly pay them Tuesday for victories tomorrow.

Yes, I am a geek.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
I wish I were in Michigan.

Wow. Has it really been more than a month since I last posted?

To this I say: Poo on me.

I say that mostly because I want anyone searching for Scheisse videos to find this website. My writing is specifically designed to please sexual deviants. Fact.

So, George W. Bush apparently left a note on the Oval Office desk for Barack Obama. Here is what I think the letter says:

Hey Barack –

The whoopee cushions are in the bottom drawer. Enjoy!

Your pal,
George

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
It’s pretty hard to be angry today. But I just discovered a Facebook page dedicated to me and cringed — at both the existence of the page itself and at the shockingly low number of fans.

For the first time since August 22, I’m glad I don’t own an iPhone.

According to this short New York Times article — which I read while not quite properly caffeinated, so forgive me if I misinterpreted it — AT&T sent unsolicited text messages to many millions of its customers urging them to watch the season premiere of American Idol.

Worse, the company’s spokesdouche is adamant that it was the right thing to do.

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of American Idol, which, in my humble (read: smug but correct) opinion is only a step up on the TV ladder from its lowest rung, America’s Funniest Videos. (And I hate AI not only because it blatantly panders to the lowest common demonator with its reliance on audience participation, trite popular music and Paula Abdul, but because it has absolutely ruined karaoke by causing people to try too hard.) But AT&T’s decision to send a text promoting such a hideous show, which it sponsors, isn’t as disturbing as what’s sure to follow: carrier-approved text-message spam. Something I would be against even if my carrier was informing me that a TV network would soon be broadcasting a long-awaited boxing match between Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis.

But yeah, I’d still really like an iPhone. Maybe next birthday. Which as everyone must know by now is August 22.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
It’s 18 degrees here in Brooklyn, a sure sign of the impending apocalypse. And yet it’s 46 degrees warmer here than it is in the hellmouth that apparently is Minnesota.

Career-wise, 2008 was a banner year. Perfect From Now On: How Indie Rock Saved My Life was published in paperback with much ballyhoo. Time Out New York appointed me as czar of its the back page Q+A. Spin asked me for regular Q+As. And I started tackling my next book, The Old Man and the Swamp. It was also a stellar year away from work. But I tend to focus on the negatives. Here are the most disappointing things that happened to me in 2008:

1. I failed to get on Jeopardy! despite making it to the in-person audition.

2. My cat went yet another year without speaking to me in English.

3. The Detroit Tigers crashed and burned.

4. This review.

5. Scrabulous imploded.

6. I didn’t catch a snake.

7. They took Chili of the Day off the menu at Miracle Grill.

8. That annoying couple at Bar Toto that found it necessary to sit on the same side of the booth while dining by themselves.

9. Still no dishwasher.

10. My Chevy Corsica, R.I.P.

But all in all 2008 ruled and I officially dub it the Year of Clapping Hands. And now, here’s this:

Here is my interview with the Flight of the Conchords, in this past week’s Time Out New York.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
I didn’t even have time for lunch today.

Here’s the interview I did with John Cleese.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
Why is Chase Bank messing with me? They be frontin’!

I am interviewing Lost’s Jorge Garcia today, who it turns out has a pretty sweet blog called Dispatches from the Island. Here’s my favorite post.

In the next few days, I’m going to post a list of the top ten little things that annoyed me this year. And in the next few weeks, I’m going to be moving this blog over to johnsellers.com — but only after I figure out how to do that. But this is what it’s going to look like. (Obvious update: I figured it out!)

Finally, I’m going to stop titling each of my posts after random favorite songs. Instead, I shall name each post after my favorite word in said post.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
Why hasn’t teleportation been invented yet? That way I could get to the post office without a hassle.

And here is my interview with Benicio Del Toro.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
Goddamn cold.

I have three Q+As out right now. In order of how well I think I did with them, they are:

1) Michael Ian Black, which appears in this week’s issue of Time Out New York.

2) Scott Weiland, which appears in the December issue of Spin magazine (which also contains an excellent article about Echo and the Bunnymen):

3) Emile Hirsch, which I banished to the Time Out New York website because he didn’t give me enough stuff to work with.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, Chasing Ghosts, the documentary in which I am used for comic effect, is airing on Showtime all month.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
It’s colder than 1,000 Antarcticas outside!

Until ten minutes ago, I had completely forgotten that this existed. And when I did remember, I thought it had aired on Fridays, ABC’s late-night comedy sketch show (costarring Larry David and Michael Richards). Instead, it was the Lorne Michaels-produced The New Show, which only lasted six episodes in 1984. When it aired, I thought this sketch was the funniest thing in the world. Wow.

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
Where my muffin at!?

Speaking of Wayne Coyne, the interview was for an upcoming issue of Spin magazine to promote Christmas on Mars, his insanely wacky — and just plain insane — debut as a movie director. If you’ve ever wanted to see Fred Armisen plaintively singing “Silent Night” just minutes after a marching band whose members all have vaginas for heads walk over a baby and crush it to death, then by all means go see this movie.

And speaking of Spin, its editors have graciously allowed me to conduct some full-page interviews with people I never thought I’d talk to. For the September issue, I yakked on the horn with the still very much bad-ass Ice Cube. Out this month, my interview with stripper-obsessed impresario T-Pain. And in December, they’ll print my conversation with Stone Temple Pilot Scott Weiland.

And to cap this very good day off — Obama even won Indiana! — this week’s newly published Time Out New York features my interview with Paul Rudd, who is more awesome than Joe Biden’s mother.

To celebrate all this good news — although after staying out until 3am last night, I probably don’t need any more of that — I am listening to my new favorite song by the Flaming Lips, which isn’t at all new, as you’ll no doubt see by this straight-outta-the-early-1990s video:

WHY I’M ANGRY TODAY
I’ve tried, but I am finding that it is impossible to be angry today!